Death at Death Mansion
by Hizzy
Summary: After recieving a mysterious letter, Lina, Gourry, Amelia, Zelgadis, Filia, and Xellos find themselves in Death Mansion. But they're all unaware of the danger that awaits them... despite the fact that death was mentioned in the letter... a couple times.
1. Prologue of Doom

In honor of Halloween, I'm writing a mystery fanfic in the only way I can: a humorous one. So, even though there WILL be character deaths (and lots of them) it should be taken lightly. It's all a big joke, people! I don't want any complaints! I like these characters just as much as the next person but I can't really write a whodunit without death, can I? Yeah, that's what I thought, punk!  
  
-HIZZY-  
  
~*~*~*~*~*  
  
"Ms. Inverse?"  
  
"Gimme back my chicken, Gourry!"  
  
"Hey! That's not your chicken!"  
  
"Yes it is!"  
  
"Ms. Inverse.?"  
  
"Don't hog all the pie!"  
  
"I didn't even eat any of it!"  
  
"Leggo my eggo!"  
  
"But it's mine!"  
  
"MS. INVERSE!"  
  
Lina and Gourry stopped eating and looked at the messenger. He stood impatiently, having been saying 'Ms. Inverse' for the past hour and all, with two letters in his hand. One was labeled 'Lina Inverse' and the other 'Gourry Gabriev.'  
  
***  
  
Amelia hummed quietly while doing her paperwork. She loved paperwork. She was finally able to be helping her father run the kingdom. So many laws to be passed, treaties to be made, justice to be spread. If there was one thing she loved more than justice, it would be superjustice. That was something Amelia had made up. It was like justice only it included the use of the term 'super' before it. Not quite as extreme as megajustice and not quite as weak as patheticjustice, it was perfect for any speader of justice.  
  
A knock on the door interrupted the superjustice being done.  
  
"Come in!" the princess called. One of the servants entered, bowed, and held up an envelope with 'Amelia Wil Tesla Saillune' written across it.  
  
***  
  
"Jilias!" Filia held up a vase, "This shouldn't be in the mace section! Did you put it there?"  
  
The fox man looked at the vase for a moment, then at the maces, then at the vase, then at his watch, then at Filia. Then the process repeated itself with one exception -- he was wearing a fedora hat.  
  
"No, boss, I think Gravos did. Do you want me to get him so you can beat him?" he asked, excited.  
  
Filia looked started, "Why on earth would I want to beat him!?"  
  
Jilias thought about it for a moment. He donned his fedora hat again while he thought. It was a very nice fedora hat, he thought. Very comfortable and stylish. It made him look smarter, too. He'd bought it the day before at the fedora hat down the street. In fact, there were three fedora hat shops in the vicinity. They were a popular item at the time, especially among people who were also foxes. He used his hat for heavy duty thinking, not realizing that whenever he wore it he began thinking about how wonderful it looked on him, thus causing him to not think about what he originally intended to think about.  
  
After about five minutes of Jilias thinking, Filia finally repeated the question.  
  
Jilias took the hat off and thought again, "Because he's the one who misplaced the vase in the first place."  
  
She sighed. Jilias and Gravos had been competing for unknown reasons. It all started that day she told them she only needed one person to work for her and one of them would probably be laid off. At first they'd just been working harder and being nice to Filia. But then vases began to be misplaced. That's when they blamed each other. Each time one blamed the other, they got into a big fight and got injured.  
  
"Can you just put the vase back where it belongs, then?" she asked finally.  
  
"Sure thing, Filia-boss!" Jilias hurried into the other room, passing Gravos on his way out, after, of course, they both gave each other death glares.  
  
"You got this letter," Gravos said holding up an envelope that said 'Filia Ul Copt.'  
  
***  
  
Xellos happily ate his Pockey Sticks and wondered how he should annoy Filia next. Recently, he'd been moving all her vases around. It really made things interesting around the Mace & Vase Shop.  
  
At the moment, he was seated at a table across from Filia's shop, watching the fun. It wasn't really as exciting as the first dozen times. He was about to leave his table when something caught his eye. It was a letter addressed to 'Xellos Metallium.'  
  
***  
  
Zelgadis looked around. Desert in every direction. He smiled, satisfied. Finally, he could have time to hear himself think.  
  
'I'm hideous,' he thought, then realizing that he didn't WANT to hear himself think. It was at that time he noticed a mailbox next to him. It wasn't very often that Zelgadis found a mailbox in the middle of the desert, so he was somewhat curious. Upon opening the mailbox, he found a letter addressed to him.  
  
The letter was as follows:  
  
Dear Receiver of This Letter,  
  
If you are reading this letter you are one of the lucky six, who have been chosen for an all expense paid trip to the Death Mansion®. We had to go through a long and complicated process just to choose you for this special weekend getaway. Mostly just drawing names from a hat. At the Death Mansion® you will enjoy:  
  
-Continental Breakfast  
  
-Full Body Massage  
  
-Billiards  
  
-Death  
  
-Free HBO  
  
We hope you won't pass up this once in a lifetime offer. Really, though, if you do this it will be the last thing you'll ever do. Ahahaha. Please disregard the previous comment. It doesn't mean anything whatsoever I don't know why I wrote it. All of my whiteout is gone and I wrote it on each of the letters. I do that sometimes. I think it's some sort of disorder.  
  
Sincerely, Anonymous  
  
***  
  
Lina and Gourry didn't even finish reading the letters. Lina didn't stop at the word 'continental', which held very little meaning to her. But upon reading the word following it, 'breakfast', she got very excited. Together to two words formed a chemical reaction inside her brain, resulting in her bolting out the door. Gourry was still trying to read the phrase 'Dear receiver of this letter' when his friend suddenly ran out of the room. He knew that her running out the door either meant there was food involved or she really had to use the bathroom. She had just went to the bathroom five minutes ago, so Gourry figured out the letter must have mentioned food. Therefore, he too bolted out the door.  
  
***  
  
Amelia read through the letter carefully. The letter didn't actually use the term 'justice' but she liked to think that it did. In which case, she did the same as Lina and Gourry had in the previous scene.  
  
***  
  
Filia set the letter down and wondered what should be done about it. The death part didn't sound very fun but she had conveniently read over that part. For the past month she'd been working very hard and the thought of a full body massage was tempting. But who would look after the shop? The dragon case a glance over at Jilias and Gravos, who were currently trying to kill each other. She also looked at the cradle she'd placed the once evil baby ancient dragon. Who would watch him? Surely Jilias and Gravos would. She turned her attention back at her employees, now sitting in a daze on the floor where'd they'd struck each other down, and said, "I'm going away for a week!"  
  
***  
  
Across the street, Xellos watched Filia leaving the shop with a suitcase in hand. If she was going, then he would definitely have to go. SOMEbody had to annoy her. A monster's work is never done.  
  
***  
  
Zelgadis crumpled up the letter and threw it on the ground next to him. 'Ridiculous!' he thought to himself, 'Me going to some vacation retreat when I need to find my cure?' He had been on the brink of something lately. Each day he grew closer and closer to what was probably his cure. There was no way he could just leave to Death Mansion. 'Wait.' Zelgadis picked the letter off the ground, 'Did that say 'free HBO'!?'  
  
***  
  
And so the six found themselves on their way to Death Mansion, unaware of the almost certain deaths that would occur there, foretold in the letters. Unaware, also, of the wonderful selection of videos and DVDs which were accidentally left out of the letter. But most importantly, the death. None of them really noticed that part.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*  
  
To be continued. bum bum BUUUUM! 


	2. Reunion at Death Mansion

"Hellooooo?" Amelia called as she set her bags down on the lobby floor, "Is anybody here?" Her voice echoed to emphasize the fact that nobody was there. She walked in a bit further and saw that the room was very large. There was a big fancy fireplace on one end of the room with comfortable looking furniture around it. On the other side of the room was a beautiful fountain. The princess shrugged. She'd seen better. In fact, she had six zebras in her room. This place only had one.  
  
She jumped as a thud was heard from the doorway. Amelia turned to see it was Gourry, who had dropped his suitcase next to her things. He hadn't noticed her yet, as he was taking in the elegant room, obviously much more than he was expecting. Actually, he wasn't really expecting much of anything seeing as how he hadn't actually read the letter.  
  
"Mr. Gourry," she hurried over to where he was, "What are you doing here?"  
  
He scratched his head, wondering the same thing; "Me and Lina got letters. I don't really know what they said but Lina wanted to come."  
  
At this point Amelia looked a little frightened and backed away from him a little bit, "You mean Ms. Lina's here, too? Where is she?"  
  
"I just saw her searching for that continental breakfast," said another voice, making Amelia and Gourry turn to look.  
  
"Zelgadis!?" Gourry said staring at the man in question, "What're you doing here?"  
  
The chimera shrugged, "It figures. Every time we go our separate ways something brings us back together." Zelgadis looked around the room. A bit fancy for his taste, but it was a lot better than deserts with strange mailboxes in them.  
  
The loud sound of eating was heard next to them. They were all somewhat surprised to find Lina standing next to them, eating, "I finally found the continental breakfast!"  
  
"But that's my stuff!" Amelia pointed out, seeing that Lina was eating from one of Amelia's bags.  
  
"I thought it tasted a little like clothing," Lina sighed and tossed it to the side, disappointed. She then did a double-take, "Hey! What are you and Zel doing here!?"  
  
"It seems we all got the same letter," Zelgadis said, holding up the aforementioned letter.  
  
Yet another voice, that of Xellos, was heard next to them, "It appears that way, doesn't it?" He had his usual grin on his face as he also held his letter up, "Now all we're missing is-"  
  
"Finally! A week to myself!" Filia entered the room. She threw her bag into Gourry's arms, confusing him with a bellhop and said, "Take this up to my room, will you? Don't mess with my stuff and you'll find a little something extra in it for yourself."  
  
"Yes ma'am!" Gourry said and turned follow her orders but was smacked by Lina.  
  
"What do you think yer doing!?" Lina asked.  
  
Filia turned around quickly, "M-Ms. Lina!? What are you doing here!?"  
  
"The same reason YOU'RE here," Lina said blandly, "We all got the same letter."  
  
"All?" Filia said quietly to herself, finally noticing everyone else in the room. Her eyes came across Xellos and she stood perfectly still for a moment. The monster's grin wider as they stared at each other. She quickly walked back in the direction she came in from and grabbed her bag from Gourry. "Well, it was nice seeing you all. Goodbye!" She then ran smack into Xellos, who'd reappeared in her path to the door.  
  
"Why, Filia, you just got here!" he said teasingly, "And we have so much to catch up on!"  
  
She scowled at him, "What are you talking about? I saw you last week when you decided to 'babysit' Val for me!"  
  
Xellos thought for a moment, "Oh yes! I remember now! That kid doesn't like heights. You should do something about that before you ask me to babysit again."  
  
"I didn't ask you to babysit," she growled.  
  
"Guys! Can't we just get along for this short period of time?" Amelia asked. Filia looked at her angrily. Xellos happily shook his head 'no' in response.  
  
Filia started towards the door again, "And that's why I'm leaving!" Once again, she was stopped near the door. But this time it wasn't Xellos. It was a strange looking man wearing an orange tuxedo and a purple feather boa.  
  
Everyone stared at the man as he stood in that spot, grinning crazily at everyone. He removed a top hat from his head and bowed hastily, almost hitting Filia in the process.  
  
"Hello and welcome to Death Mansion!" he said in a loud, high-pitched voice. Silence from everyone else. "I hope you enjoy your stay here! For all eternity! Ahahahaaaaaaa! Er, sorry. Sometimes I say things like that. I think it's a disorder."  
  
"Yeah.. um. You said that in the letter," Lina said, holding up the letter. The man looked shocked. He seized the letter from Lina. He read over it and shrieked as he got to the part Lina had just mentioned. Everyone was very startled by this and began backing away from him.  
  
The man began sobbing, "I've embarrassed myself so much! I don't deserve to live anymore!" He pulled out a gun and held it to his head.  
  
"No! Wait!" Amelia gasped, "Don't do that. We don't mind, really!"  
  
The man stopped crying and lowered the gun a little, "So I'm.. noooooormal?"  
  
Amelia blinked a couple times, "Um, well, not completely but-" She was interrupted as the man burst into tears gain and raised the gun at HER head, "-But what I meant to say was you're normal! VERY normal! Please just put the gun down!" He pulled the trigger and a stream of water came out of it and hit Amelia in the face. She looked exasperated.  
  
The man giggled, "As I was saying, I hope you enjoy your stay here. You'll find our accommodations quite pleasing! There's a large screen television in the recreational center and a pool on every floor. There's a bathroom for every room of the mansion. Absolutely no escape from the building. Dining room on the main level. Did I mention the ball room?"  
  
"Whoa! Wait a minute!" Lina stopped him, "What do you mean by 'no escape'?"  
  
The man blinked a couple times and tilted his head to the side, "I didn't say that."  
  
"Yes you did! We all heard you!" Filia said. Everyone else nodded.  
  
"No, I'm quite sure I didn't," said the man. "Now lets see. where was I? Oh yes, now I remember! Good bye!" He turned and began to walk out of the room.  
  
"Where are you going?" Gourry asked.  
  
"Uh." the man took out a pocketwatch, "10pm, ma'am." Gourry was confused for multiple reasons. They watched the man dance out of the building. The door slammed behind him and for a moment there wasn't a sound. Then there was a loud bang as the man tripped over a cliff leading to the ocean. There was another bang as he landed in a boat. Then there was more silence. The final sound they heard was a splash as he accidentally fell off the boat.  
  
As they stood there, a certainty fell over them that if they didn't get out of the mansion soon, craziness would ensue. It always happened when they were together. If not a higher power trying to destroy the world, a nonsensical plot would unfold with them as the butt of the joke. And that crazy man had killed any doubt of that happening.  
  
"Well," Filia said, "I don't know about you guys but I'm leaving. I couldn't spend another minute in this place. Especially not with HIM!" She, of course, was referring to Xellos.  
  
"That hurt, Filia," Xellos said, smiling, "I was hoping you'd stay with me and get that full-body massage. I hear they're wonderful." Filia had a sad expression on her face. She'd been looking forward to the massage.  
  
Her sorrowful expression switched to anger quickly, "And just WHO would give the massages?"  
  
"I would," said a polite female voice, making them all jump. "Oh, I'm sorry. Did I frighten you? I'm Betty, the masseuse. That gentleman you all just met was Mr. Rinald but he prefers to go by Lord Yuckinominaldsonsinclar IV. He works here as the crazy man. Every mansion needs one, you know." Betty smiled at them pleasantly.  
  
"Are you two the only staff here?" Filia asked, looking around.  
  
"Don't be silly!" Betty said, "The rest of the staff will be here shortly. There's Ms. Evette, the Maid; and Mr. Wisley, the chef."  
  
Lina grinned, "So when does this Wisley guy get here?"  
  
"He should be here by now. I really don't know," Betty said, shrugging. Lina and Gourry looked disappointed, "Why don't you all just get settled in. I'm sure that once you are ready they will be here."  
  
Everyone nodded their heads and picked up their bags and suitcases to head up to the rooms.  
  
Xellos turned to Filia, "So, changed your mind about staying?"  
  
"Humph! If you stay out of my way this might be an enjoyable vacation for me!" she walked past the smirking monster.  
  
~~~~~~~  
  
To be continued. In the next chapter: Death, and lots of it! Or maybe just a little! Or maybe none at all! Who knows! One thing is for sure, though: Never, never, never shake a baby. 


	3. Lina's Frozen Discovery

Lina hungrily wandered the halls of the mansion searching for food. The letter had promised continental breakfast and it was well past breakfast hours. In fact, it was after brunch time, too! It was actually midnight. She'd eaten nothing but Amelia's nightgown in the past day. Lina had never experienced such hunger before.  
  
Suddenly, she stopped right where she was and her eyes grew wide. In front of her was a door. Not just any door. A magical door that caused dreams to become realities. A door that lead to paradise. The door had a sign on it announcing just how wonderful it was. The sign said 'Kitchen' across it.  
  
Immediately, Lina began to salivate. After a moment of gawking at the door, a string of drool hanging from her mouth, she rushed forward into the kitchen. The door swung open and revealed to her just how wonderful life could be.  
  
The room was quite large. There where three large ovens, next to which was a giant cutting board. The cutting board had a bloody knife sticking out of it. Not too far away from that was a door leading to the freezer and the next door down was the food pantry.  
  
Eagerly, Lina rushed to the food pantry. Before opening the door she prepared herself for a moment. You just can't rush these things. Five seconds later the door was flung open.  
  
.But the site that lay before Lina wasn't what she had been expecting. It was a terrifying site. She shrieked and fell backwards.  
  
"It. it can't BE!!!" Lina gasped, "There's NO food!!!" Her breathing quickened and she felt ready to pass out. But then she something in the back corner. She rushed over to it, hoping it would be something to eat. But the site was almost as horrible as no food. She screamed again. It was health cookies!  
  
~~~~~  
  
Filia sighed in content as Betty kneaded her back, seeming to know all of her sore spots. Her tension was melting away. It felt so nice.  
  
She thought to herself, 'I wish I could get massages every day. Maybe I could teach Jilias or Gravos to. Wait, no! .Oh well, at least Xellos isn't here. Forgetting Xellos.. Forgetting Xellos.. Forgetting Xellos.. Forget-' Her thoughts were interrupted as she noticed Xellos standing next to her.  
  
"What do you want, Xellos?" Filia asked crossly.  
  
He grinned down at her; "You're not the only one who needs a massage around here? When's my turn?"  
  
Betty smiled pleasantly at him; "I'm almost done with Filia so I'll be able to-"  
  
"Actually," he stopped her, "I was hoping Filia could do it."  
  
Filia growled to herself and was about to storm away when they all heard a scream.  
  
~~~~~  
  
Gourry scratched his head as he looked at the bathroom doors. There were two of them. Each had a picture of a person on it. They were the same except one wore a skirt. 'But which one do I use?' he wondered. His thought process stopped as he heard a scream from nearby.  
  
~~~~~  
  
Zelgadis was filing his skin. He couldn't tell the calluses from the rocks but he didn't really care. Maybe he could just file all the rocks off and paint his skin. The filing was interrupted as a scream was heard.  
  
~~~~~  
  
Lina heard the scream, too. Mostly because she was the one screaming. She soon noticed that Filia, Xellos, Betty, Gourry, and Zelgadis were standing behind her wondering why she was screaming and if she would shut up any time soon.  
  
She couldn't tell them why she was screaming because she was too busy screaming, so she just pointed in front of her where they all saw what the problem was.  
  
She was sitting in front of the freezer where, not only were they out of steak, but the chef had been brutally murdered.  
  
"Mr. Wisley!" Betty gasped and rushed forward to get a better look. It seemed as though he had been pushed into the freezer and left there for a while. That must have been how he died. Or perhaps it was the knife sticking out of his back. And there was the possibility that he was dead because he was hanging from a noose. Otherwise it was a mystery.  
  
"Well, that explains where HE'S been, but what about the maid?" Zelgadis asked. They all thought for a moment.  
  
"Oh! THERE she is!" Gourry said as he pointed to another dead body.  
  
"Gourry!" Lina smacked him over the head, "That's NOT the maid! That's Amelia!" Everyone gasped. Then they realized that it really was the maid. They sighed in relief, then realized that the maid had been murdered and gasped again.  
  
"Where IS Amelia?" Zelgadis asked.  
  
~~~~~  
  
Amelia rubbed her eyes as she walked down the hallway. It was bad enough she had to sleep in her clothes because Lina ate her nightgown, but now Lina had woken her up with all the screaming.  
  
'She'd better have a good excuse.' Amelia thought to herself angrily.  
  
Just then, she ran into somebody.  
  
"Ms. Lina is that you?" Amelia asked groggily.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
To be protracted.  
  
Sorry, I just thought that word might make me seem smarter. Did it work? 


	4. Drowned and FishStabbed

Everyone wandered the hallways calling out Amelia's name. They'd been doing so for the past hour. Some of them had already given up, figuring that if Amelia HAD been killed she'd have started to stink by now and it would be quite unpleasant for the person that found her.   
  
Lina was still searching but was becoming very annoyed. Every once in a while she would shout out a naughty word instead of Amelia's name. And sometimes she'd shout out a breakfast cereal, still hungry for the continental breakfast.   
  
"Amelia!" she shouted again. After a pause she tried once more but to no avail. She then proceeded to curse loudly. Just as she was about to give up somebody else was heard walking towards her. Hoping it was Amelia, Lina rushed forward to greet her friend in hopes that she had food. But instead it was Mr. Rinald. Lina tried running the other direction but he quickly wrapped his arms around her in a hug.  
  
"Oh, I'm so glad to see you!" he sang, "I was lost! Could you please direct me to main street?"  
  
Lina pulled one of her arms free and pointed it down in the direction she wasn't heading, "It's that way. Very far that way."  
  
"Thank you so much, kind sir! But now could you please let go of me?" he asked her.   
  
She looked confused, "But you're the one holding ME."   
  
"I won't let go until you let go," he told her. There was a moment of awkward silence, until Mr. Rinald began singing a song he was making up, "Ohhhhhhhh! Everyone shall die here! What a terrible thing that is, everyone will diiiiiiiiiie! I didn't mean to sing thaaaaaaat! I think it's soome sort of disordeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeer!!!!!!"  
  
For the duration of the song, Lina tried desperately to get out of Mr. Rinald's embrace. Her efforts tripled as he hit the final note, which was so high a nearby window shattered. Not only that, but the fact that he sang about her impending doom made his hug a considerable amount more uncomfortable. And just as she was about to pass out, he let go and jumped out of the recently shattered window, which was three stories above ground.   
  
Lina looked out the window to see what become of the crazy man but she didn't see him squished on the pavement below. She scratched her head and shrugged her shoulders. The search for Amelia continued.  
  
But she would never find, Amelia. No, of course not. Amelia was dead, as implied in the previous chapter. Yes, dead. Quite dead in fact. There is no way she could be any more dead. And it was quite interesting how she became so dead. But no one shall ever find out about it because Amelia wouldn't be telling anyone about it. Dead people don't tell people how they died. People are just left to assume. And assumptions can definitely be made about how Amelia died. She had a knife sticking out of her back, for one thing. So when Betty walked into her room and found her there, she automatically assumed that Amelia had been shot. This can lead one to wonder how Betty came to this conclusion. It's a long story, actually. It all started when Betty was but a young girl. She was with her father when somebody shot a gun nearby. Just as the gunshot was heard somebody else threw a knife at her father. Betty concluded that there must have been some sort of knife-gun since she thought the gunshot had something to do with the knife, which it did. In fact, that's another long story. It all started when a man named Steve was five. His mother gave him a shotgun and he loved it dearly. Seven years later he came to a park with it. This was the same park where Betty and her father were. Also the same place where a man named Tim was practicing throwing knives for the circus. He believed he could knock the hat off of Betty's father. Tim thought he was better at throwing knives than he actually was. Steve knew that Tim sucked at throwing knives so he wanted to warn Betty's father of the danger. Just as Tim was about to throw the knife at the hat, Steve fired a shot into the air, but he was too late. And that's why Betty believed Amelia had been shot.   
  
After she found the supposedly shot girl, she ran from the room screaming. She found Zelgadis and brought him back to Amelia's room. When he saw Amelia laying there with the knife sticking from her back he assumed she had drowned.  
  
Upon hearing Zelgadis conclude that Amelia had drowned she muttered, "You stupid idiot! She obviously didn't drown! Do you see the knife sticking from her back?" Zelgadis was angry about the 'stupid idiot' comment. He had a very good reason for believing that she'd drown. It all started when he was four. His best friend, Tim was practicing throwing knives for the circus. Zelgadis had just got done telling Tim to give up his idiotic dream of going to the circus because he really, really sucked at throwing knives when Tim accidentally stabbed himself, causing his body to fall into the a nearby pond. Zelgadis didn't know he'd stabbed himself but thought he drowned. When he saw the knife he figured a fish must have stabbed him with it after he drown. Actually, though, Tim hadn't drown. He tried telling Zelgadis this but it didn't matter. Zelgadis had his mind made up that his friend had drown. And that's why Zelgadis thought Amelia drown.   
  
After Zelgadis heard Betty call him a stupid idiot he threw the knife at her out of anger and grief of the drown and fish-stabbed Amelia.  
  
She screamed, "Help! I'm being shot at!" Zelgadis was confused by this and was trying to ask her about it but she just kept screaming. Eventually he walked away.   
  
***  
  
After the freezer incident, Gourry had remembered that he had to go to the bathroom. He found where the restrooms where but had the same dilemma he did before. Which one was the men's room? He stared at the doors, with there pictures of people mocking him. He stared at them so long it seemed they were laughing in his face. Then they seemed to be screaming. 'Why are they screaming?' Gourry wondered to himself. Maybe it was because they didn't know which one was the men's room, either. Soon, he realized that it wasn't the pictures screaming, but Betty. She was screaming about being shot at so Gourry hurried to help her.  
  
By the time he got to the hallway where he'd heard the screaming, Betty had gone back to her room and gone to sleep.  
  
"Oh, I knew I shouldn't have stopped at the buffet, first!" Gourry said to himself. He was about to go back to pondering the restrooms when he heard some noises coming from iside his room. Curious, he opened the door, "Santa?" 


	5. Two More Down, Five To Go

Screaming was heard throughout the whole mansion. But Filia couldn't hear it. She had headphones on and they were cranked as loud as they could possibly go. Normally Filia didn't use headphones, but she was getting sick of all the screaming. It was annoying and somehow kept reminding her of how much she disliked Xellos.   
  
At the moment, she was wandering about the halls trying to find anybody except Xellos or Mr. Rinald. And she finally did find somebody. It was Gourry and he had been frightened terribly by something.   
  
"There you are!" Filia sighed in relief and flung her suitcase into his hands. "Take this to my room."  
  
"But-" Gourry tried explaining a very important matter that had just come up a few moments ago but Filia interrupted him.  
  
She put her hand in front of his face and said, "Be quiet! I'm not paying you to talk! You'll never make a good bellboy if you hang around talking to people!" Gourry carried the suitcase away sadly, wishing he could warn Filia about the danger that she was in but he had to get back to work or else he might be fired.   
  
Filia watched him exit and grumbled about the terrible service. She turned to find where her friends had gone and saw that one of them was on the couch behind her. It was Zelgadis and unfortunately, he was dead. Perhaps even deader than Amelia. Definitely more dead than Filia, who wasn't dead at all. She was so not-dead, in fact, that she screamed and turned to run. Instead, she found that Xellos was in the door way. She screamed again and tried running the other way but saw Zelgadis. She screamed a couple more times and fell on the ground.   
  
She pointed at Zelgadis and said, "Kill him, not me!" Xellos stared her for a moment, then at Zelgadis, then walked away. She stood up, "That was close, Mr. Zelgadis!" Then she saw he was dead and ran from the room screaming.   
  
By that time Gourry had finished putting Filia's suitcase in her room and was wondering about all of her screaming. One of three things had happened: she found Zelgadis's body, seen Xellos, or was not satisfied with the job Gourry had done. If she was screaming because she saw Zelgadis then it would be a good idea for Gourry to go back and make sure nothing bad happened to her. But if she'd seen Xellos she would be in one of her moods, in which case it would not be a good idea to be near her. And he certainly couldn't go back if she wasn't satisfied with his bellboy-ing. Gourry was never good at math but it would seem that the number a reasons to not go back outweighed the reasons to go back. With that situation taken care of, he decided to continue searching for Amelia.   
  
***  
  
Xellos had seen some crazy stuff in his life, living as long as he does and all. But the mansion seemed to top it all. Of course, it was fun seeing Filia screaming and cowering in fear, but the series of murders was leaving even Xellos confused. He very much disliked being confused, since it was such a rare occurrence. He was set on finding out who was responsible for these murders and congratulate them on their job of freaking Filia out. The only way he could find the murderer, was to catch them in the act. But who would the next target be? Certainly, Filia would not be next, as it was so much fun watching her panic. Mr. Rinald was too crazy to be a target, Gourry was to stupid, and Lina would scare any murderer away. The next target would be Betty.   
  
He grinned and teleported himself to Betty's room, only to find something shocking. Betty was already dead. It wasn't actually as shocking as it was frustrating. The next target could be anyone. But Lina, Gourry, Filia, and Mr. Rinald did not seem likely to be killed next. And that would only leave...   
  
***  
  
"Lina! There you are!" Gourry rushed over to his friend. She wasn't very interested in Gourry. She was much more interested in the continental breakfast, which she had stumbled across just minutes ago. Regrettably, she'd already eaten most of it. All that was left were the packets of sugar, and cream cheese, which she ate in a remarkable amount of time.   
  
With no more food to eat and a full stomach, she finally turned her attention toward Gourry; "What do you want?"   
  
He figured it was probably not good to bring up the subject of immanent death to Lina since she got very irritable after meals, but then again, she was also very irritable during and before meals, too. And at any rate, this was a very important subject.   
  
"Lina," he began, "We're going to die." There was an pause between the time he said it and the time her fist connected with his face when Gourry saw an expression on her face that he'd never seen before. Could it be fear? Love? Gas? He wasn't quite sure what it was but he knew that he would have to protect Lina from any danger like a cowboy protects a cow. Gourry realized that his analogy didn't make any sense but had no time to think of a new one before he was sent flying across the room.  
  
There was a moment between the time when Lina punched Gourry and the time when Gourry smacked into the nearest passerby when Filia saw something flying in her direction at an incredible speed. She had no time to realize that it was Gourry but there was time enough to realize her options. She could smash the flying thing with a mace, blame Xellos for whatever would happen to her, or run away crying. Instead she decided to do all three.   
  
Gourry wasn't able to react before he was hit with a mace. He landed in a crumpled heap on the ground and watched Filia run away crying and yelling, "This is all your fault, Xellos!" 


	6. What Really Happened

"Well, we know this much," Filia started, "The murderer isn't one of us."   
  
Lina nodded her head, "I doubt any of us would go on a killing spree." Lina, Filia, and Gourry were all seated on a couch in the parlor and decided to try and figure out who was killing everyone. There were only five people left alive of the original group, and after a brief talk they narrowed it down to just two. Mr. Rinald or Xellos.   
  
"If it's not you, the bellboy, or I, then it's obviously Xellos!" Filia made her hands into fists just thinking about him. After seeing him kill all those people, it made her want to kill him. She was well aware of the fact that a statement as such would leave her looking suspicious, so she opted to keep it to herself. But in her mind she kept thinking 'Die, Xellos! Die, Xellos! Die Xellos! .....Did I remember to clean the lint basket in the dryer? ..... Die, Xellos! Die Xellos!'  
  
Gourry looked around the room, trying to find the bellboy Filia was talking about. He remembered her saying something about a bellboy before but he couldn't quite figure out who it was. He didn't want to say anything in case he was somebody important, like Filia's husband or something. He didn't specifically recall her getting married but if she did they'd say he was really stupid for not remembering.   
  
Lina just sighed in annoyance, "Filia, that's Gourry, not the bellboy."  
  
Filia was shocked. She looked at Gourry in disbelief, "Really? I didn't recognize you, Gourry! Did you get a haircut?"   
  
"Yeah! You like it?" Gourry grinned. Nobody had really noticed, despite the fact that it was quite a difference. But then again, nobody ever really paid attention to him, either.  
  
"Oh, but it's so short!" she exclaimed, "You're hair was so pretty before!"  
  
"Think so?" Gourry put a hand through his hair, "It's just so hard to manage long hair."  
  
"I find that if you use the right kind of hair products it's very easy to keep it long," Filia was about to go bring some down to show him but Lina would have nothing to do with it.  
  
"Will you two shut up!" she shouted, "Zelgadis and Amelia are dead, in case you forgot!"   
  
Filia looked over at Lina, feeling a bit guilty, "I'm sorry, Lina. You need beauty secrets, too, don't you? You can't really keep up with your hair management so maybe you should go short."  
  
Gourry shook his head, "But if she had short hair than people would think she was a boy."   
  
"Not if she had the right style," Filia examined Lina's hair and started coming up with great ideas, all of which were forgotten when Lina smacked them both across the room.   
  
"What was that for?" Filia pouted as she held a hand to her bruised face. She immediately slunk back as Lina glared at her from across the room, another fist ready just in case.  
  
Lina undid the fist as she saw Filia and Gourry cowering in fear, "We need to find whoever's killing everybody and do something about it."   
  
"But we already know it's Xellos," Filia informed her. Her mind began repeating 'die Xellos' again.   
  
"Xellos is capable of mass destruction," Lina nodded, "But then again, Mr. Rinald is extremely crazy. I think it's him."   
  
"But Mr. Rinald is too crazy to kill people," Filia snorted, "Besides, Xellos is quite crazy too."  
  
"That's true, but Xellos usually doesn't kill people for no reason," Lina said, although, if he ever felt like it she knew he probably would. She just hoped he didn't feel like it any time soon. But she felt safe knowing the fact that Filia would be the first to go if he ever did.   
  
Filia and Lina began arguing over who they thought did it. Neither could come up with any good reasons why, except the fact that they each hated the person they thought was the killer. It went on for about fifteen minutes while Gourry went off into what would appear a daze. It wasn't actually a daze, but more of a meditative state where he thought about his favorite food. He imagined himself eating it. The thought of food was much more interesting than some stupid killer.... Unless the killer had food. He wondered if the killer had food. Whoever it was had made the first killing in the freezer. And they did notice a decrease in the amount of food in the freezer after the chef was murdered. Gourry remembered that at the time Mr. Wisley was killed, he was planning on using the bathroom. Thinking about that made Gourry remember he never did use get a chance to use that bathroom the other day and he still had to go. Would Lina and Filia let him leave? But he didn't really feel like interrupting their argument. Lina would probably hurt him. A lot. But he had to go to the bathroom. And he was hungry. Then he began thinking about his favorite food again. Lina and Filia stopped arguing as they noticed Gourry grinning to himself and say, "Mmm!"  
  
"Gourry!" Lina hit him over the head, ending his delicious daydream, "Have you been listening to a word we just said."   
  
"Yeah, of course I have!" Gourry said. It's not that he was lying. Gourry wasn't the sort of person to lie. In fact, he actually thought he was listening to them. He thought they were both talking about his favorite food.   
  
The girls weren't convinced. "Who do you think the killer is, then?" Filia asked.   
  
Gourry was confused for a moment, but then realized what happened. They must have thought they were talking about killers instead of food. He decided to go along with it. "Well, I thought about it for a long time," he began, while Lina and Filia stared back at him, not convinced that he'd been thinking, "And I think the killer is Amelia."   
  
"What!?" both girls looked at him in a mixture of surprise, annoyance, and confusion.   
  
"Well, they say it's always the person you least expect," Gourry told them, knowing that one has to be patient when dealing with golden dragons and girls who like to blow stuff up.   
  
"But Amelia's dead!" Filia exclaimed.  
  
"Yeah! And that's why we wouldn't expect her!" Gourry continued on his explanation, wondering why they didn't understand,   
  
"But if it's the person you least expect then it's not Amelia because right now you think it's her," Lina told him. It wasn't hard to outsmart Gourry, but she still enjoyed it. At least he didn't argue with her about it like Filia did. 'Stupid Filia,' she thought, 'She just doesn't understand that I'm right and she's wrong.... I wish the killer had killed her instead of everyone else. At least they know that I'm right and they're wrong.'   
  
"Oh yeah..." Gourry was slightly disappointed that his theory was incorrect. But he then came up with a new theory, "So that must mean it's Zelgadis!" With that said, they all exploded into an argument. Filia thought it was Xellos, Lina thought it was Mr. Rinald, and Gourry kept changing his answer every time he said something, each answer he gave making less sense then the last.  
  
"It's Xellos!" Filia shouted.  
  
"It's Mr. Rinald!" Lina shouted.  
  
"It's Gaav!" Gourry Shouted.  
  
"Stay out of this," Filia shoved Gourry out of the way, "It's Xellos, and that's final!"   
  
"It can't be Xellos," Lina growled at her. Both girls got up in each others faces and started growling at each other. Gourry backed up.  
  
"And just why not," Filia snarled.   
  
"Because Xellos is already dead," Lina said and pointed at Xellos' body, which had been laying next to them the whole time, "See?"   
  
Filia stared for a while, then blushed and said, "Oh." She poked Xellos with a stick for a moment, then looked back at Lina, "So I guess it's Mr. Rinald after all." After all the thoughts of Xellos being dead, it seemed a bit overrated. Lina and Filia stared at the body for a while, wondering how Mr. Rinald could have pulled it off. Gourry began to wonder if Filia was really right about Xellos being the killer.   
  
"Well, now that we know who it really is," Filia said, "We have to be sure to avoid Mr. Rinald at all costs."  
  
"That's right," said Mr. Rinald. Lina and Filia began to slowly back away from him while Gourry began explaining the situation.  
  
He began, "They think that you're the killer, Mr. Rinald, but I know it's really Rezo, the red priest. Nobody would suspect a great guy like him, but you know what they always say...."  
  
"Yes, that's right," Mr. Rinald said to his left hand, "It's always the person you most expect. I most expect myself."   
  
"Really?" Gourry asked in surprise, "That's what Lina and Filia think. But I know it's really Bill Gates. Nobody would suspect a rich guy like him, but you know what they always say-"  
  
"Yes, that's right," Mr. Rinald said to his right hand and pushed Gourry out the window.   
  
Lina leapt forward and yelled, "Gourry!" But it was too late. Mr. Rinald began laughing evilly.   
  
"All along you thought it wasn't me, but it really was!" he laughed.   
  
"But I suspected you the whole time," Lina said. Mr. Rinald stopped laughing and started crying.  
  
"I just wanted to be a murderer! Is that a crime?" he sniffed, then began laughing again, "And now there's nothing you can do to stop me! You'll try to kill me but it will be impossible because I will never die!" He then jumped out the window. The two girls exchanged looks.  
  
"So, what should we do now?" Lina asked.  
  
"Leaving would be a good idea." They both nodded and began heading back to their rooms to gather their things. A sad song played as they remembered all the good times they'd had with all the people who had died. Except for the staff of Death MansionÒ. They hadn't really had any good times with them. The times they'd had with them had been bad. Except for that full body massage Filia had received from Betty. That was a good memory. So she remembered that to the sad tune. But they felt a certain duty to remember Ms. Evette and Mr. Wisley, too. So they did. They made up good memories for them. Like the time they all went camping. That was a fun time, even thought it never happened.  
  
Lina and Filia got all their luggage together and began making their way to the exit.   
  
"So, do you think Mr. Rinald is really dead?" Filia asked, wondering if the sad music was almost over. It was really dramatic when they were remembering the good times but it just didn't seem the same when you were dragging luggage around.   
  
"Not really," Lina said, "He's right over there." Mr. Rinald was shaking his fist at them from in a pool.  
  
"You'll live to regret this!" he shouted, then began singing, "Jingle bells! Jingle bells! Jingle all the way!" Then he started making some weird noises and waving his arms around.   
  
"Well, this is it," Filia said as she reached for the doorknob that lead out of the terrible mansion.   
  
"Not so fast!" yelled a voice. Lina and Filia turned and looked at the person, in shock.  
  
"Amelia!?" they gasped. Lina pointed a finger at her and began stuttering, "But your d-d-d-d-"  
  
"Alive? Yes, I know," Amelia said with an evil smile on her face, "I faked my own death to fool all of you. It was just too easy."   
  
"So, you were the one that killed everybody," Lina said, still pointing her finger.  
  
Another voice was heard from across the room, "Not quite."   
  
"Zelgadis!?" They all gasped. He walked towards them as they all backed away, frightened.   
  
"You thought I was dead, didn't you?" he came closer to them.   
  
"Actually, I pretended to die before you so I really didn't know about that," Amelia said before Zelgadis cast an annoyed glance at her.   
  
"Wait, wait, you were pretending to be dead?" he sighed angrily, "I was supposed to be the only one faking my own death."   
  
"You faked your own death, too?" Filia was as confused as everyone else was. The all stared at each other for a moment, confused, annoyed, and angry. In the background, Mr. Rinald ran around screaming and on fire. It did not come as a surprise when they all saw Xellos enter the room.   
  
"Well, well!" he said, "Isn't this a surprise! It seems that we all faked are own deaths!"   
  
"Okay, I want some explanations!" Lina demanded. Amelia and Zelgadis looked sheepish, Xellos looked amused.   
  
"Well," Amelia began, "I wanted to escape the pressures of being a princess. That's why I pretended to be dead. But then I realized that as long as Daddy's still alive there is no pressure. Just lots and lots of pampering."   
  
"What about you, Mr. Zelgadis?" Amelia asked. Zelgadis blushed a little.  
  
"After you died, I didn't really know how to react so I decided to pretend to die so that it would give the illusion that I cared about you enough to kill myself out of grief," he sighed.  
  
Amelia sighed dreamily, "That is the sweetest thing anyone's ever done for me!"   
  
Filia glared at Xellos, who looked innocently back at her. "What do you have to say for yourself, Xellos," she asked angrily, "And if you say it's a secret I'll kill you!" Everyone stared at Filia for a moment. "Uh, I mean I'll.... Um, I'll be forced to use non-violent means to solve our differences in a way that will make you wish you hadn't said that the faking of your death is a secret." Xellos stared at her, confused. She sighed and said, "Just tell me why you did it."   
  
"That's a secret!" he said.   
  
Filia leapt at Xellos and began punching him, "I'll kill you!" Lina and Zelgadis pulled Filia off him before she killed him for real.   
  
"So I guess nobody was dead, after all," Amelia said after they finally calmed Filia down.   
  
"What about Gourry?" Lina asked, "Me and Filia saw Mr. Rinald push him out the window!"   
  
Everyone sat in silence for a sad moment. Occasionally, someone would sigh sorrowfully. They remembered all the good times they'd had with Gourry. The sad song played on.   
  
Then Gourry walked in.   
  
"Gourry!" Lina was angry that she was sad for nothing, "You idiot!"  
  
"What'd I do?" he asked after she hit him over the head.   
  
"How did you survive the fall?" she asked. He stared at her.  
  
"What fall?" She hit him again. "Oh, you mean the fall from the window? We were on the ground floor."   
  
Lina and Filia looked at each other. "We were five stories up," Filia told him.  
  
"Oh," Gourry said and thought about it, "That's probably why it hurt so much."  
  
~~~~~~~~  
  
And with that, the six people left Death MansionÒ. The decided to never speak of the experience ever again. They were just happy knowing the fact that nobody had died. The were so happy about that, that they forgot about Ms. Evette, Mr. Wisley, and Betty, who were all killed. Nobody ever found out how they died. Several detectives interviewed Mr. Rinald but could not gather sufficient evidence to make an arrest. They did, however, get a tour of the mansion. On that subject, several detectives disappeared near Death MansionÒ. 


End file.
